Who decided it was a good idea to put stippled shit on ceilings? Did some half-ass construction guy that could never properly finish a ceiling say to his crew, “Hey guys, what if we just put some ugly popcorn crap all over it so no one will notice?” Anyways, it’s ugly as fuck and makes for a bitch in hanging posters. Yes, I like to put posters on my ceiling. Yes, I’m aware of how lame that is.
It’s 3:30pm on a Wednesday and I’m lying on my bed looking at my ceiling. Again. I got up at 1:30pm, showered, dressed, ate some Fruit Loops and spent an hour doing my hair and makeup. I’m full on goth today. We’re talking raccoon eyes, black lipstick and half a bottle of hairspray. I’m wearing my best fishnets too. You know the ones with just the right number of holes? But I have absolutely nothing to do. So I’ve lit some candles, turned on Joy Division and here I am.
Two quick knocks on the door and in pops my bottled blond roomie Cassie. “Jules, I’m doing some grocery shopping before I head to the club, you need anything?”
“No. I’m on a diet.” I cover my eyes at the evil sunlight she’s allowed to penetrate my sanctuary.
Cassie huffs with a little smirk and says, “You are always on a diet when it’s time to buy groceries. Then you eat all my food. So what do you want?”
“Red Bull. Sugar-free.”
“That’s not food.”
I sit up in my bed. “Sure it is. It has nutritional information and everything.”
“Whatever.” Cassie shakes her head. “Why don’t you just come with?”
“I’m busy.”
“Uh… with what exactly?” Cassie scans my room.
“Okay, fine I’m not busy.” I confess.
“Then come with me. Other than work you haven’t been outside since Rose…”
“Do NOT even speak her name right now.” I cut off Cassie.
“Fuck. Get over it. She obviously has.” Cassie picks up my black All Stars and tosses them at the foot of my bed. “Put these on. We’re going.”
I respond with the pathetic whimper of a two year old being left at daycare, “Fine.”
I always get dirty looks from suburban housewives with tots. Their kids are always fascinated by my ever changing rainbow hair. This week’s colour is emerald green. But when little Suzy tugs on Mom’s Lululemon sweater and says, “Mom! Look mom!” Pointing in my direction, “Can I do that mom? Can I?” Well that’s when Mommy gives me a quick shame on you look and says “Come on Suzy we need to hurry to pick up Tim from soccer practice.”
“Jules, do you want Oreos or Fudgeos?” Cassie asks bringing me out of my stupor.
“What?” I respond blankly. She waves the two boxes in front of my face. “I told you. I’m on a diet.” I go back to picking off the chipped glitter black nail polish I’ve been wearing for the last 3 weeks.
“Well since I know you’re going to end up pigging on them in front of Gossip Girl why don’t you just pick anyways?” I point to the Oreos. “Thank you Miss Cheerful!” I flip her the bird. “Aww poor baby. It’s so hard to be you. You want to go coning at McDonald’s after like all the other emo fucks? Would that make the l’il baby feel all better?” She says in her baby voice.
“Fuck you.” I respond. Cassie laughs at me.
“Seriously, Jules! You need to lighten up a little. It’s been three weeks and it’s not even you who got dumped!”
“I’m goth. We’re supposed to act like this.”
“Oh shut up with the whole I’m goth thing. You know you’re being a big whiny baby.”
“I know I am. I’m sorry I just feel like everything blows right now.”
“Listen I know you don’t want to talk about it and that’s cool, but I’m sick of living with Emily the Strange okay? Let’s have a normal shopping adventure, grab Starbucks, and go watch shitty reality TV okay?”
I nod.
“Don’t you have to head to work?”
Cassie shrugs, “It’s Wednesday. We’re always slow until 9:30pm. It won’t affect my tips.” She smiles at me, “Plus, I think you need some girl bonding time.”
“That’s probably true. But not the kind you and Lucy will have on stage later tonight.” She sneers at me.
“Slut,” she grins and we both giggle.
“Hey, I’m not the one who dances in a G-string for a living.”
“And I’m not the one getting up at 3:30 in the morning to make coffee for grumpy strangers for minimum wage.” She had me there.
“Okay, so both our jobs suck.” Cassie nods in agreement. We both stare at each other.
“But mine pays better!” she smiles. I push her into a display of Coke just as a store manager looking guy walks by.
“Ladies!” he says in a very authoritarian tone.
“Sorry, sorry!” I say. “She uh… tripped.” I grab Cassie’s outstretched arm and pull her back to her feet.
The balding manager rolls his eyes and continues on his mission, clipboard in hand.
Cassie scrunches her nose and mimics, “Ladies!” right in my face. Somehow this lame shopping trip is the highlight of my month.
“So what else do we need?” I ask leaning on the shopping cart.
“I think we have pretty much everything. Were you serious about wanting some Red Bull though cause…” Cassie kind of drifts off and is looking directly over my shoulder. “Actually, Red Bull’s terrible for you let’s go.” She says grabbing my arm and dragging me out of the aisle towards the cash registers. She’s too slow though and I catch sight of Rose just before we turn the corner.
“Oh my god. Perfect. Just perfect. And she’s with that asshat isn’t she?” And today sucks again.
“Well I don’t exactly know what Mr. Asshat looks like but that guy definitely had douchebag written all over him. Seriously, who would leave Brian for him? His hair looks like he cut it blindfolded with safety scissors.”
I so want to go home right now. Just leave the groceries and go. “He probably did. If that’s what the kids are doing these days anyways. I bet he’d be in.” I shook my head. “Fuck, let’s just pay and go.”
“Fine by me. We still cool for Starbucks?” Cassie starts pushing the cart to the cash.
“Yeah, sure. I just want to get out of this fucking store.”
A thin, dainty hand grabs my shoulder. “Julie?” Just fucking great. I turn around to see Rose and douche boy hand in hand behind Cassie and I. She’s looking perfect as usual. Rose is one of those people that just make you want to give up and die because there’s no way you’re ever going to be anywhere near as good at life as she is. She’s 5’8, bone thin but somehow still with a nice shape to her, has exquisite light brown hair, cheek bones top super models only dream of, oh and of course she sings and paints beautifully. Bitch. She was also until very recently my BFF since like 4th Grade. Actually, she still thinks we’re BFFs. I think she does at least. “I thought I saw you down the aisle! Hey you remember Mark right?”
Douchebag does a lame head nod in my direction and says. “S’up.” WHO THE FUCK SAYS S’UP?
I take a deep breath and fight the urge to punch him. “Yeah we met briefly at the Lionhead show. Remember it was you, me and Brian?”
Rose gives me a don’t bring up the ex look. “Uh right…” She says awkwardly. “Listen, did you lose your phone or something? I’ve been texting like mad.” Oh really? Well I blocked your number you leggy skank.
I shrug, “I’ve just been busy. But I have to go. Cassie needs to get to work.” I turn to leave and Rose grabs my arm.
“Look, Julie, I just want to talk okay.” Rose and my grandmother are the only people in the world I let get away with calling me Julie. It makes me feel like I’m a five year old in a tutu and pigtails. Rose looks at Cassie, “Cassie can I steal her for just 5 minutes?”
I look at Cassie with eyes pleading for her to back me up on this one. “Do what you need to Jules.” I glare at her. I’m so eating all of her fucking Oreos while she’s at work tonight. No on second thought my ass is big enough. I’ll just throw them out instead.
Rose turns to Mr. D-bag. “Mark can you give us a few?” He’s tracing the outline of the purple octopus that makes up a good portion of his left sleeve. An underwater scene for an arm piece? How original.
“S’Cool,” he grunts. Can this boy not speak a single word coherently? He pulls out his iPhone and starts walking back down the aisle.
“Let’s go outside.” Rose smiles with her perfectly white grin.
We sit down at a picnic table out front. I choose the shaded side under the big green umbrella. We sit in awkward silence for 30 seconds. I can tell Rose is trying to come up with some sort of reason/excuse for her slutty behavior. She bites the right side of her lip.
“Look I just want to say I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I need to say that to you since you’re not the one I cheated on but…”
“Pfft.” I say impulsively.
“What?” she asks.
“Nothing.”
She sighs, “Julie it’s not nothing. If there’s something wrong tell me. We’ve been best friends since girl scouts! I just want to fix this.” She looks so sincere.
“I don’t know Rose. I just need some time okay?” Fuck I don’t want to be here.
“No. You’ve had time. Now spit it out. I can handle it.”
I play with the ashtray in the middle of the table. There’s no diplomatic way to say it. But then again when have I ever cared about being diplomatic? “How could you fucking do that to him?”
“What?”
“To Brian. He treated you like a fucking Queen and you tore his heart from his chest, rolled it in dog shit and left it to rot.” God I’m so dramatic. I continue to play with the ashtray. I know she’s on the verge of tears.
“Look I didn’t mean for it to happen…”
“Oh so you just woke up one morning sucking Mark’s dick and went with it?” Yeah that was harsh. Even for me.
“Oh my god!” Her eyes are watering up.
“Look I’m sorry. It’s just…” How do I even explain to her why I’m so angry? “I really liked Brian. And I never like the trash you date. I really liked me, you and Brian hanging out all the time. And Brian’s just… Brian’s just an awesome guy. And please don’t tell me he’s not ‘cause you know he totally is. And you ruined it.”
Rose nodded, “I know Brian’s great. Really, I do. I didn’t do it because Brian’s not great.”
“Look I don’t really care why you did it. It’s done.”
Rose wiped away a single tear from her dimpled left cheek. “Then why can’t we just move on? I know I didn’t handle things very well but relationships end. I’ve had lots of breakups in the past, so have you, and we’ve always been there for each other to call our exes assholes and…”
“But Brian’s not an asshole.”
“I know he’s not. I just don’t know why this is so different for us.”
To be honest I don’t fully know either. So I tell her what I do know, “I just, I feel like I’ve lost two friends.”
Rose grabs my hand and smiles, “You haven’t lost anyone. I’m right here. And if you want to hang out with Brian don’t think I’m trying to stop you. I know we were all friends. I do. If you want to still be friends with him to I’m okay with that. You have my permission.” Oh thank you your highness for granting me permission to choose my own friends!
I pull my hand away. “It’s not that simple.”
“It can be.”
I shake my head, “No it really can’t. Because I’m not going to be the clingy friend of the ex and you’re now attached to the hip with a walking, talking dildo.”
“Okay let’s leave Mark out of this, please? It’s not his fault.”
“I never said it was. It’s your fault.”
Rose pushes herself up from the table. “I don’t even know why I bother trying to get through your river of crap. I’m allowed to break up with guys, Julie. When you can deal with that and be my friend again feel free to give me a call.” She storms off I’m sure to reunite with the new love of her life. I turn the ashtray upside down and play with the butts. Drawing shapes in the ashes.
Cassie pushes the cart of bagged groceries up beside me and sits down. “That’s fucking disgusting.” She says as I continue to play with the dumped contents of the ashtray.
“I know.” I say softly.
“Then stop it.” She demands. I drop the cigarette butt. “I’m guessing that didn’t go so well?”
“Ding, ding, ding!”
Cassie wraps her arm around my waist and leans her mop of red curls against my shoulder. Let’s go get coffee. Coffee fixes everything.” I rest my head on hers.
“Okay.”
We load the car with groceries and I slip into the passenger seat of her red VW Beetle placing my purse on my lap. She turns on the engine as I feel my phone buzz. I have a text. It’s probably Rose apologizing, or bitching, or doing something else I’m not interested in. I pull out my iPhone.
BRIAN: “Wanna get coffee or something tonite? It’s not weird I’m asking right?”
ME “Not weird. Pick u up at 7?”
